I remember being told from a very young age that I was skinny. It was one of those comments that relatives, friends of parents, etc. were never shy to tell you. Interestingly enough I don't remember kids saying anything to me when I was very young - just adults. And skinny wasn't a good thing from what I could tell. I'm not exactly sure what little-me thought the first few times I heard such comments as I was probably only 6 or 7, but I suspect subconsciously, "What's wrong with me?! Everyone keeps telling me I'm skinny!".
Now at this point I should probably admit that I was a very sensitive kid who grew into a slightly less sensitive adult (that has developed a thicker skin). And so whilst comments like this may have easily bounced off other kids, to me every time somebody said such things it was tantamount to telling me that I wasn't good enough and that I was unwanted. Reading that back sounds melodramatic to even me now, but it doesn't change the fact that it's how I felt deep down at the time. Of course I never showed that face to the world or expressed those feelings to anyone - I used to pretend such comments didn't matter, give off a little laugh and move on. Inside I felt terrible though.
It never got better as the years went by either. My teenage years where nightmarish and I developed major body issues. At this point I should clarify that my specific insecurity was my legs. Because people would never pass up the opportunity to remind me that they were very skinny. Every term you can think up of that is used to describe skinny legs was used to describe mine. From match-sticks, to daddy-long-legs, to twigs. Teachers, sports coaches, and again my parents friends, would say things like, "You need to eat more and get some meat on those bones." Every comment cut deep. Just another reminder that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't belong, that I wasn't wanted. And now in hindsight I can appreciate that those making such comments probably didn't intend any harm. I'm even generous enough that nearly 20 years later I can almost convince myself some of their comments may have been well intended e.g. they may have had genuine health concerns for me...although to be fair, I wasn't THAT skinny.
By my teen years it was also fairly common for my peers to start making comments which didn't help matters either. Introduce girls into the equation and the pressure that comes with that, and I was really unhappy.
By the time I was about 13 or 14 I decided to try and do something about this severe problem that EVERYONE ELSE kept telling me I had. The obvious solution being to 'grow my legs'. Because you know like, that's really easy. So I started to consume more food. I would eat at every opportunity. My relationship with food quite frankly became a bit unhealthy. Eating wasn't about pleasure or sustenance anymore but a mission to get rid of my skinny legs. And to be loved and accepted.
And then there was exercise. Squats. Lots of squats. I lost count the number of times I could hardly walk the next day from doing squats.
It didn't help though. Nothing could keep up with my incredibly fast metabolism and my innate physiology. Well that and the fact that as a teenager you don't exactly have full control over your life. After all there is school to attend, extra curricula activities you take part in, studying for exams, reliance on parents for lifts, money, and food. Its not like I could just organise my own life around eating and lifting..
It got to the point where at about the the age of 16 I stopped wearing shorts. Now I grew up in a sunny climate with summers reaching into the high 30's (celsius) i.e. short pants weather... I would actually go to the beach in jeans to cover up my legs as I was so ashamed of them.
But eventually.... like a lot of things in life you get over them, and so to did I eventually get over my unhealthy hangup about my legs. It took a while and was a gradual process over years, but by my early 20's I no longer cared too much, the comments had stopped, and I had to a large extent grown into my body such that my legs didn't really seems particularly skinny anymore...
There's a couple of things that stand out for me now as I look back though.
- There was never anything 'wrong' with my legs nor with my general health. In fact my legs were more than just okay - they were bloody marvellous for what THEY COULD DO, not for how they looked. For example, I was a much better than average distance runner and could show up without much training to a cross-country event or a distance race and usually finish in the top 5% without much effort. I never had any problems with the way my legs worked. They were agile, sprightly, pain free, flexible, and just perfect for me. It was OTHER people that had issues and they projected those on to me.
- There's a MASSIVE double-standard in how speak about bodies when it comes to gender. Why is it okay to tell boys that they're skinny but it's not okay to tell girls that they're fat? Still today I think a lot of people don't think twice to make the sort of comments to boys that I used to get as a kid and I think this needs to stop if for no other reason than to be consistent i.e. don't say things about peoples physical appearance that are potentially going to be hurtful, whether they're to boys or girls.
- I wasted a LOT of time and effort trying to change something about myself that didn't need changing nor was worth changing. I also lost a lot of opportunities because of my insecurities. Instead of trying to 'grow my legs' which was rather futile and the payoff of which wouldn't have been much even if I was successful, I could have spent the time trying to make new friends, read books, played more sports, learnt new things, and basically done a lot of other things that would have enriched my life more and had better long-term benefits.
If you've read this and can can relate in some way then hopefully it's been of help to you.
I've once or twice thought about what I would have done differently or what I would have told little-me if I could go back in time, and I think it would be this: You are loved by the people that matter and the person that matters the most is yourself. As long as you are healthy enough to do what you physically want to do, then anyones comments about your body are completely irrelevant and such people should be dismissed if not put in their place without hesitation.
