Skinny Boy and Double-Standards

I recently uploaded a photo of myself playing sport to social media and one of the comments by a friend alluded quite obviously to my weight and that I looked to be under. I give her the benefit of doubt and say she meant no malice. And whilst the comment didn't hurt nor offend, it did momentarily take me back to an earlier time in my life where it would have. It also got me thinking about a few things and so I thought it would be worth writing about this in the hope that perhaps it'll help others susceptible to or that are dealing with, such issues.

I remember being told from a very young age that I was skinny. It was one of those comments that relatives, friends of parents, etc. were never shy to tell you. Interestingly enough I don't remember kids saying anything to me when I was very young - just adults. And skinny wasn't a good thing from what I could tell. I'm not exactly sure what little-me thought the first few times I heard such comments as I was probably only 6 or 7, but I suspect subconsciously, "What's wrong with me?! Everyone keeps telling me I'm skinny!".

Now at this point I should probably admit that I was a very sensitive kid who grew into a slightly less sensitive adult (that has developed a thicker skin). And so whilst comments like this may have easily bounced off other kids, to me every time somebody said such things it was tantamount to telling me that I wasn't good enough and that I was unwanted. Reading that back sounds melodramatic to even me now, but it doesn't change the fact that it's how I felt deep down at the time. Of course I never showed that face to the world or expressed those feelings to anyone - I used to pretend such comments didn't matter, give off a little laugh and move on. Inside I felt terrible though.

It never got better as the years went by either. My teenage years where nightmarish and I developed major body issues. At this point I should clarify that my specific insecurity was my legs. Because people would never pass up the opportunity to remind me that they were very skinny. Every term you can think up of that is used to describe skinny legs was used to describe mine.  From match-sticks, to daddy-long-legs, to twigs. Teachers, sports coaches, and again my parents friends, would say things like, "You need to eat more and get some meat on those bones." Every comment cut deep. Just another reminder that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't belong, that I wasn't wanted. And now in hindsight I can appreciate that those making such comments probably didn't intend any harm. I'm even generous enough that nearly 20 years later I can almost convince myself some of their comments may have been well intended e.g. they may have had genuine health concerns for me...although to be fair, I wasn't THAT skinny.

By my teen years it was also fairly common for my peers to start making comments which didn't help matters either. Introduce girls into the equation and the pressure that comes with that, and I was really unhappy.

By the time I was about 13 or 14 I decided to try and do something about this severe problem that EVERYONE ELSE kept telling me I had. The obvious solution being to 'grow my legs'. Because you know like, that's really easy. So I started to consume more food. I would eat at every opportunity. My relationship with food quite frankly became a bit unhealthy. Eating wasn't about pleasure or sustenance anymore but a mission to get rid of my skinny legs. And to be loved and accepted.

And then there was exercise. Squats. Lots of squats. I lost count the number of times I could hardly walk the next day from doing squats.

It didn't help though. Nothing could keep up with my incredibly fast metabolism and my innate physiology. Well that and the fact that as a teenager you don't exactly have full control over your life. After all there is school to attend, extra curricula activities you take part in, studying for exams, reliance on parents for lifts, money, and food. Its not like I could just organise my own life around eating and lifting..

It got to the point where at about the the age of 16 I stopped wearing shorts. Now I grew up in a sunny climate with summers reaching into the high 30's (celsius) i.e. short pants weather... I would actually go to the beach in jeans to cover up my legs as I was so ashamed of them.

But eventually.... like a lot of things in life you get over them, and so to did I eventually get over my unhealthy hangup about my legs. It took a while and was a gradual process over years, but by my early 20's I no longer cared too much, the comments had stopped, and I had to a large extent grown into my body such that my legs didn't really seems particularly skinny anymore...

There's a couple of things that stand out for me now as I look back though.

• There was never anything 'wrong' with my legs nor with my general health. In fact my legs were more than just okay - they were bloody marvellous for what THEY COULD DO, not for how they looked. For example, I was a much better than average distance runner and could show up without much training to a cross-country event or a distance race and usually finish in the top 5% without much effort. I never had any problems with the way my legs worked. They were agile, sprightly, pain free, flexible, and just perfect for me. It was OTHER people that had issues and they projected those on to me.
• There's a MASSIVE double-standard in how speak about bodies when it comes to gender. Why is it okay to tell boys that they're skinny but it's not okay to tell girls that they're fat? Still today I think a lot of people don't think twice to make the sort of comments to boys that I used to get as a kid and I think this needs to stop if for no other reason than to be consistent i.e. don't say things about peoples physical appearance that are potentially going to be hurtful, whether they're to boys or girls.
• I wasted a LOT of time and effort trying to change something about myself that didn't need changing nor was worth changing. I also lost a lot of opportunities because of my insecurities. Instead of trying to 'grow my legs' which was rather futile and the payoff of which wouldn't have been much even if I was successful, I could have spent the time trying to make new friends, read books, played more sports, learnt new things, and basically done a lot of other things that would have enriched my life more and had better long-term benefits.

If you've read this and can can relate in some way then hopefully it's been of help to you.

I've once or twice thought about what I would have done differently or what I would have told little-me if I could go back in time, and I think it would be this: You are loved by the people that matter and the person that matters the most is yourself. As long as you are healthy enough to do what you physically want to do, then anyones comments about your body are completely irrelevant and such people should be dismissed if not put in their place without hesitation. 

Where's all your stuff? The BS that is dressing up houses for sale.

My wife and have started looking for a house to buy and have probably seen about 20 places in the last few months. We've also been watching a lot of those home improvement/selling/buying shows that are on TV so often. 

For a while I was easily seduced by a formula used in these shows that I've seen applied to many of the houses I've viewed. The formula basically entails minimizing clutter and making the house appear as large, light, neutral and contemporary as possible.

A problem with this is that it creates a superficial, even artificial sense of what it would be like to live in such a house, because it doesn't represent how people actually live. At least not how I live. 

I have stuff. That I use every other day or week. Take my kitchen for example - on the counter tops I have electronic kitchen appliances including a blender, a toaster, a kettle, a coffee machine, a food processor and a mini chopper (the rice cooker, the coffee grinder and other items used less often are in or on top of cupboards). Then there is the fruit the bowl, the drying rack (usually with a few dishes that don't fit in the dishwasher), a kitchen knife holder, bottles of cooking oil and some jars with tea, sugar and coffee beans. I didn't mention the cables for all the aforesaid appliances - these add to the clutter too. 

Most of the houses presented on these shows though, and quite a few we've seen, will often have nothing on the kitchen counter tops besides some pretentious cook book and a few ornately placed bottles of virgin olive oil and a retro colored bottle of water on a tray with 2 or 3 matching glasses.

Don't get me wrong, it's visually appealing. It looks clean. It looks fresh. It looks uncluttered and easy. Like a burden would be lifted off my shoulders if I were to live there. Until I stop and think about it....where is my stuff going to go? The realization is then that for all practical purposes the kitchen that's been so prettily dressed is completely inadequate and impractical in size. By the time I've put all my stuff out it's not going to look so pretty. In fact it going to look a lot like my kitchen now.

Bathrooms in such dressed up houses are another thing worth noting. It occurred to me at one place we saw on the weekend that the occupants didn't have any soap. They didn't have any toothbrushes or toothpaste either. And only one unused white towel perfectly draped on the shiny chrome towel rack. Evidently the occupants don't wash with soap, don't brush their teeth and share one white towel between them. 

Or more likely they don't live like that or don't live there at present. Neither could I. 

Probably the most extreme example I've seen of this formula being used is bedrooms without cupboards. This little trick can make a room look double its size. Which is because half a rooms size can in fact be taken up by cupboards, a chest or two of draws and say some bed-side tables. You need this stuff though. Clothes and personal belongings need to go somewhere.

Again, people don't live like these houses are presented. It's not exactly false advertising but its definitely misleading and if you're easily seduced by shiny things and make decision based on superficial decorations and arrangements without thinking it through, you could end up making a very poor decision.

Guess how much I love you. A rhetorical question and a tale of one-upmanship.

A review of the book, 'Guess How Much I Love You' authored by Sam McBratney.

Guess How Much I Love you is set amongst the backdrop of what appears to be quaint English countryside in the summer of a year unknown.

Little Nutbrown Hare is a young and naive hare trying to find his way in the world. He has an unbridled innocence and an enthusiasm for life that you'd only expect from one very cloistered from its harsh realities. The story begins by his asking a fellow hare if he knows how much he loves him. The question however is rhetorical (author McBratney does well here to get this grammatically correct). Little Nutbrown Hare answers his own question through joyous expression but Big Nutbrown Hare immediately responds with an answer of his own which includes far greater hyperbole and significantly diminishes Little Nutbrown Hare's answer. This sets the tone for the rest of the story.

Big Nutbrown Hare as his name implies is BIG. He dwarfs Little Nutbrown Hare significantly (the illustrations suggest by as much as 5 times in hight) and whilst some of the difference in size might be attributable to age difference there is possibly some genetic mutation at play (an important facet which I think the author McBartney could have spent more time exploring). It follows from this that one might conclude Big Nutbrown Hare is ostracized in the general hare community (as freaks in societies often are) and starved for social contact he latches onto the young and naive Little Nutbrown Hare.

Unfortunately, as opposed to being a mutually beneficial relationship, Big Nutbrown Hare's lonely life has left him incredibly insecure and Little Nutbrown Hare is the perfect muse unto which he can project those insecurities.

This happens not in the way of direct or subtle putdowns  (although it must be said that despite the authors best efforts to avoid it there is clearly a patronizing undertone from by Big Nutbrown Hare to Little Nutbrown Hare) but through a 'death of a thousand cuts' type one-upmanship. You can jump? I can jump higher! You can make yourself big? I can make myself bigger! And so it continues throughout with Little Nutbrown Hare finding that no matter what he tries Big Nutbrown Hare will always go farther to end up the top dog hare.

By the end of the story Little Nutbrown Hare is emotionally exhausted, his spirit crushed to the point of his experiencing an emotional breakdown. He quietly slips into a comatose state and Big Nutbrown Hare takes the opportunity to physically manhandle him into his lair. Despite having by this stage comprehensively won the battle of one-upmanship with Little Nutbrown Hare, Big Nut Nutbrown Hare can't pass up one final opportunity to overshadow him and his final hyperbole reaches stellar proportions.

McBartney's writing style is rhythmic without being fluid. As I touched on earlier he could have spent more time developing the characters and one is especially left wanting to know more about the background of the central character Little Nutbrown Hare.

The book somewhat redeems itself with sufficient use of playful verbs and subtle descriptions of the surrounding countryside that makes one yearn for more simpler times in our lives. Like our childhoods. On the balance I give the book a 7 out of 10 for what it is.

Until next time.

NCR.

Pterygium Removal

Introduction

A pterygium is a benign growth of the eye's conjunctiva thought caused by excessive and prolonged exposure to ultraviolet light, low humidity, dust and other eye irritants. 

I had a pterygium in my eye for over 10 years until last year when I had it surgically removed. I wrote this as a personal account of what it's like having pterygium surgery and the associated costs and issues that go along with it. It is not intended to provide medical advice but hopefully it will be of interest or help to those considering pterygium surgery.

Personal Background

I grew up in a seasonally hot and dry climate and spent a considerable portion of my youth surfing and participating in outdoor activities. Such conditions are conducive to development of pterygium's and yet none of my friends or family have ever had pterygiums. I probably have some predisposition and this combined with the environmental and lifestyle factors led to my developing a pterygium.

I first noticed a small raised spot on the white of my eye and had no idea what it was. It certainly didn't look anything like the wedge-like growth which starts on the nasal side of the eye and grows toward the pupil which typically characterizes a pterygium.

The first GP I saw about this spot diagnosed it as a pterygium and simply prescribed some eye drops. He also advised that as it wasn't interfering with my vision and didn't pose any other immediate risks, it was best left alone. This set the tone for advice I received over the next 10 years. Whenever I visited a doctor or optometrists they would invariably notice my pterygium and say the same thing i.e. 'if it's not interfering with your vision or causing you any discomfort, and if it doesn't pose any greater risks, it's best to leave it alone.'

This is how my pterygium looked roughly 4 years after I first noticed it (8 years before I had surgery to remove it):












Finally last year an optometrist referred to me to an ophthalmologist. The optometrist deemed my pterygium sufficiently large to warrant a specialist examination.This proved good advice.

The ophthalmologist advised it was starting to grow over my pupil and could impair my vision. In fact by this time if my pupil was fully dilated the pterygium would already cover my pupil by half a millimeter or so (although I don't recall it affecting my vision).

At this stage it was also becoming quite unsightly, particularly so when my eyes were irritated and red which would make it quite visible and occasionally lead to people asking questions. 

Pterygium Surgery

My ophthalmologist explained the risks of not removing the pterygium, the main one of which was that it could start to impair my vision. It was also at the critical stage where if I chose not to remove it and it got larger, it would make surgery more complicated in future.  She also explained the risks of removing it, which mainly came down to there being a statistically insignificant chance of the surgery leaving me blind. 

The decision to have surgery was simple enough but I discussed it with my wife first. I booked my surgery the next day and was scheduled to be operated on in a few weeks time.

Pterygium surgery is performed in a few hours and you don't typically stay in the hospital overnight. I arrived at the medical centre on the day my surgery was booked and checked in at reception. I completed some paperwork and was then collected by a member of staff who took me to a changing room where I changed into some scrubs.  I was then taken to an operating theatre where a doctor and anesthetist asked me some questions and gave me a bit of information on what to expect.

Although not under full anesthetic I was heavily sedated by the anesthetist and I have no recollection of the surgery. The last thing I remember was receiving an injection in my eye which didn't hurt but had the sensation of pressure on my eye.

I woke up a few hours later and the surgery was finished. I had a large eyepatch covering half of my face and I felt very groggy. The drugs they use to sedate you are very strong and it's the reason why they won't perform surgery unless you have arranged for someone to escort you home afterwards. My wife took half a day's leave (as carers leave) so that she could fetch me from surgery.

Here's what my pterygium looked like the day of and before my surgery:

Pterygium surgery in my case involved cutting out the pterygium and then filling the hole left behind with sclera (the white of your eye) taken from elsewhere. In my case that elsewhere was from the white at the top right of my eye under the eyelid. I assume sclera taken from here because this area isn't exposed to the elements and is thus less likely to become infected and it will heal quicker. It's also a good area to take it from because if it leaves scarring it won't matter from an aesthetic perspective since you can't see it.

Post Surgery

The anesthetic wore off in the hours following surgery and I was left in a tremendous amount of pain and discomfort. The anti-inflammatory and pain killers pills I'd been prescribed did little to help ease this. My eye was swollen and closed but I had a tendency to blink a lot which was excruciating. Tears welled up but couldn't drain because of the eyepatch and this just compounded the irritation. As the night wore on it became more and more uncomfortable and I didn't get much sleep that night. It's probably on of the worst experiences of my life.

The next morning I was scheduled to visit my ophthalmologist for a post-op consultation. The eyepatch was removed and some anesthetic eye drops were administered which brought much needed and immediate relief.

This is what my eye looked like the next day after surgery:

I was booked off work for 4 days and told to relax and not do anything strenuous. Whilst bathing was allowed I was advised to keep my eye from direct exposure to water for at least a few days.

I was also prescribed several different eye drops for inflammation, healing and antiseptic purposes, all of which is usual after pterygium surgery.

My pain and discomfort reduced significantly the next day and within the next few days most discomfort was gone.

Post Surgery Complications

A series of weekly and fortnightly follow up appointments were scheduled with my ophthalmologist to monitor my progress. Although in the days immediately following the surgery my eye felt a lot better (although still red and inflamed as expected), I noticed what appeared to be a small hole developing where they'd cut out the pterygium. When they'd removed the pterygium they'd filled the hole left with a piece of sclera from elsewhere using surgical glue to bind it. It appeared and felt to me as if the binding had come undone and this caused me some concern. I took this photo and emailed it to my ophthalmologists explaining my concern. 

I received a call from her advising this wasn't anything to be concerned about. It was merely a gap where they'd removed the pterygium and would take a while to heal. I couldn't quite reconcile this though because I thought the gap was filled with sclera taken from elsewhere and therefore there should be no gap. I never pressed the matter though and put my trust in her medical expertise.

A few days later I had another follow-up appointment and it was reiterated that my eye was healing as expected. She suggested I keep my eye lubricated though as it was possibly drying out. Polygel droplets were prescribed and I was told to apply them as much as needed.

Another week passed and I continued to feel that my eye wasn't healing as it should be - I could feel something wasn't right whenever I blinked and the mirror showed the hole was still there. Here's a photo I took 2 weeks after the surgery:

It was on my next visit to my ophthalmologist that she conceded there was a problem and that it wasn't healing as expected. The surgical glue that was supposed to have sealed the gap where they'd cut out the pterygium had split and new tissue was not growing over as they'd expected.

I was promptly scheduled or a follow up operation to seal the hole, this time using surgical stitching instead of surgical glue. My ophthalmologist was apologetic about my having to go through a 2nd surgery and assured me it wouldn't come apart again.

The second operation was a lot less invasive since no tissue was removed. It was also day surgery but the recovery time didn't take as long as the first surgery. I only needed to book 3 days off work. The process of undergoing this 2nd surgery was the same as the first and I have no recollection of what happened after they administered the anesthetic.

Unlike the first surgery, when the drugs from the 2nd surgery wore off I wasn't in much pain and I didn't have any trouble sleeping that night.

The next day I had a follow up consultation with my ophthalmologist and had my eye patch removed. This is what my eye looked like following the second surgery:

The quality of the above photo is poor but the black mark you see is where the surgical stitches were inserted. These were dissolving stitches which fortunately meant they didn't require removal (I don't think I could have faced surgery again).

I was prescribed more eye drops for healing and inflammation and continued to take anti-inflammatory tablets. In the weeks that followed I had weekly and then fortnightly consultations with my ophthalmologist to monitor the progress of healing and at one point I had 'plugs' inserted into my tear ducts to stop tears from draining out my eye (the idea behind this was to keep my eye lubricated which would reduce inflammation speed up healing).

About 2 months after my second surgery the inflammation in my operated eye was still not reducing at the rate my ophthalmologist wanted so I was given an anti-inflammatory injection directly into my eye. This was performed at her practice and a local anesthetic was administered first so it didn't hurt.

The Conclusion

Over the weeks and months following the initially surgery I had about 2 dozen follow up consultations each lasting about 10 minutes at most, but I had to wait on average 1 hour before I could see the ophthalmologist (because for whatever reason they can't see you at the exact time your appointment was booked). I'd also spend an hour in traffic getting to and from my ophthalmologist. 

Over the months I was told to stop taking certain of the prescribed eye drops and pills until eventually I was told to stop taking all of them (besides Polygel which is prescription free and can be taken however often I want).

Finally on my last visit to my ophthalmologist almost 6 months after my first consultation, I was given the all clear and she was satisfied that my eye had healed sufficiently. 

As I write this its been about 7 months since my surgery and whilst there is no sign of the pterygium returning I am still left with some redness in my eye and it is prone to irritation (not all always but quite often and some days being worse than others).

This is how my eye looks today:

I think I made the right decision electing to have surgery. 

Whilst I still get occasional irritation my eye doesn't get hardly as red as it used to. I also take comfort knowing that it's hopefully not going to cause me any vision problems in future.

That said, I wouldn't want to go through with surgery again. It wasn't a pleasant experience.

It'll be interesting to see if advances in surgical procedures make pterygium surgery less 'mechanical' in future. Prior to having my surgery I'd already heard of chemical removal of pterygium's but it wasn't an option made available to me and it's possible that it's still an experimental procedure. It's worth looking into though if you're considering surgery.

Costs

The direct costs of the surgery, follow up surgery, injections, pre and post op consultations and medication including eye drops and pills, ran into thousands of dollars - probably in the region of around $4,000. Fortunately my private medical covered most of these costs. Had I used public health insurance my costs also would have been covered and it would have been easier for me to claim these costs (under private medical I had to pay for everything up front myself and then submit paperwork to claim reimbursement for all my costs).

The indirect costs are harder to measure and include things like taxi fares too and from my ophthalmologists practice and escort from my second surgery (under sedation and with poor vision in one eye it wasn't safe for me to be driving post surgery and public transport was impractical). These aren't costs I can claim back and they probably ran to around $200.

Another 'cost' was that of time taken off work. Fortunately I have a manager and a company that were very supportive when it came to my needing time off for surgery and the countless follow-up consultations. As flexible and accommodating as they were though, I had to make up the time and catch up on a lot of work, which meant quite a few late nights in the office. All in all I probably lost 2 weeks of productivity because of the surgeries and follow up consultations.

If you read this far then well done and I hope you found something I wrote to be of use or interest. Feel free to get in touch if you have any questions. Once again, I'm not a medical practitioner and cannot offer any medical advice but I'm more than happy to relate my personal experience to you.

Cheers